I Just Can't Let You Go
by speedmonkey
Summary: It's been a year since Tim died. And Calleigh just can't let him go. But will a dream Calleigh has help her do that?


Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Not one single person! I wish I owned Tim and Calleigh so I could call them Talleigh, but I don't.

Pairings: Speed/Calleigh

Author's Note: This for the almost one year of Speedle's death. And to the S/C shippers who wish Calleigh would react more.

---TALLEIGH---

Calleigh stared at the pictures in her locker. One was of her and Tim on the beach. Her on his back. Calleigh smiled remembering that day and touched his face lightly with one finger. She sighed and closed the door shut.

"Hey Cal." said Eric. Judging by his voice he had been watching her for a while.

"Oh..hey Eric...I didn't see you there."

Eric put on a sympathetic smile. He knew what today was. Speed had been dead for one year today. He remembered that day like it was yesterday. It had taken them awhile to recover from it. Eric was piece by piece, but he felt that Calleigh would never recover. I mean how can you recover from something like that? Losing your boyfriend and thinking that your pregnant with his kid when you weren't really pregnant at all.

"You wanna go get something to eat?"

Calleigh was going to say something but Ryan walked in. "Hey guys." said Ryan cheerfully. Oblivous to the obvious.

"No...i'm out." said Calleigh as she grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

"What's with her?" asked Ryan earning him a glare. "What?"

---TALLEIGH---

Calleigh stepped out of her SUV and stepped onto the black topped road that lead you through the cemetry. Calleigh walked across the small path her heels clicking with every step. Calleigh walked past the headstones, glancing at a few of them. Some so young, taken before there time. Calleigh sighed when she got to the one she wanted.

"Hey you." said Calleigh and squatted down in front of his tombstone. Something that shouldn't be here right now. She hated herself for it, it was should have been her, not him. Calleigh let out another shaky sigh and touched the cool stone lightly.

_Timothy James Speedle_

_June 24, 1973 - September 20, 2004_

_Beloved son, brother, and colleague_

_Dedicated his life to helping people who couldn't help themselves._

Calleigh glanced at the very bottom of the stone that read

_I'm in the arms of an angel now_

Calleigh let out a slight sob. She missed him so much. She would give anything for just five more minutes with him. To tell him she loved him. To tell him that her life wouldn't be complete without him.

"The lab's not the same without you. Eric doesn't joke around. Horatio doesn't act like a boss anymore. I...I don't...I'm not cheerful anymore. And Alexx... well who knows what's up with her these days. She doesn't talk about it. And this knew guy...he...its been a year and he still doesn't seem to get it. He prances around like he truly belongs there. And i'm not saying he doesn't deserve a chance because he does...but he's not...he's not you. And he will never be you. And I think that's what bother's him. He's trying to live up to you. And that's what gets on my nerves. Because there's only one Tim Speedle. And at the end of the day I can say I knew him. I don't want another one...I want...you." said Calleigh as tears streamed down her face. Calleigh smiled slightly. "Look at me i'm rambling." said Calleigh softly.

She sighed and brought her fingers to her lips and then placed them on the cool stone. "You may be somewhere else right now. But no matter what happends...no matter if your with me our not. I. Will. Always. Love. You." said Calleigh through tears. "Its just not fair. It should have been me. I...I was supposed to. I should have-" Calleigh stopped herself and sighed. "Its just to hard without you." said Calleigh as tears ran down her cheeks slowly. "Listen...I should probably go...I got a ton of paper work to do...and I...I love you." said Calleigh and stood up and got into her car and left.

---TALEIGH---

"You wanted to see me?" asked Calleigh as she knocked on Horatio's office door.

"Yeah, come in."

Calleigh nodded and closed the door behind her. "So what's up?"

"How are we doing?"

Calleigh sighed. "I don't know how were doing? But i'm not ok."

Horatio nodded. "Calleigh...I don't know why you keep blaming yourself. But what happend to Tim wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was." said Calleigh under her breath.

"No it wasn't."

"Horatio...you don't know! And don't you even think about saying You hang in there again because I swear If I hear that one more time I'll lose it." somehow Calleigh felt releaved after yelling slightly.

Horatio sighed. "Your right. I don't know. Why don't you explain it to me."

"Horatio...I won't even tell the shrink what makes you think I'm going to tell you."

"Because..."

Calleigh sighed. "The night before you called me and Tim went to the firing range. He didn't want to go but I did. We shot off some rounds and then we came back home. Tim pulled out his kit and sat down at the kitchen table to clean it...but I...I had other ideas." Horatio nodded to let her know that he knew what she was talking about. "And we fell asleep. We woke up when you called. I didn't even think about the guns until I got the call out."

Horatio nodded again.

"Me...bullet girl. And I didn't even think about cleaning our guns before we left. We should have just did it the night before. I tried to blame Tawny Williams for this, Pete Keller, the owner of the store, even little Joey. But the only people I can blame is me and you. I may have distracted him from cleaning his gun but you...you were his partner...you should have protected him." said Calleigh and got up to the door. "And to answer your question from earlier. We...are not fine."

---TALLEIGH---

Calleigh sighed as she looked at the headstone. Just looking at it caused her pain. "I shouldn't have yelled at him like that. But I...I do blame him...he was your partner...that's why they give us partner's so they can protect us and we can protect them. I just...I want you back Tim..."

---TALLEIGH---

Calleigh tossed and turned in bed. She was having a nightmare. The same one she had almost everynight since he died. Since she died. But she could never finish it. Calleigh sat bolt upright panting slightly, sweat on her forehead. "Tim..." Calleigh frowned when she realied he wasn't there. She did this everynight and she hated it. It drove her crazy. Calleigh laid there for what must have been hours until she feel back asleep.

---CALLEIGH'S DREAM---

"Calleigh...wake up." said Tim as he poked her.

"Go away. Leave me alone."

Tim laughed and poked her again. "I thought I was the one who never wanted to get out of bed."

Calleigh sat bolt up right. "Tim..."

"Hey beautiful."

Calleigh smiled and flung herself into his arms. "God I missed you."

"I miss you to...Calleigh you have no idea how much I have missed you."

"I think I know." said Calleigh as she pulled away from Tim slowly. "It was all my fault Tim-"

"No Calleigh it wasn't. And in order for you to move on you'll have to except that."

"I tried."

"No you haven't. You start to think of it then you push it away."

"I'm scared."

"Why should you be scared?" asked Tim as he wiped away some of her tears.

"Because I...feel if I don't blame somebody then I'll let you go. And I don't wanna do that."

"Calleigh just because you stop blaming yourself doesn't mean you have to let me go. I'll stil be around."

"Not the way I need!" yelled Calleigh desperatley.

Tim sighed and took Calleigh's right hand, and noticed the ring on her finger. "You found it."

Calleigh nodded. "Your sock drawer isn't really a good place to hide an engadgment ring Tim. Your mom found it actually."

Tim sighed. "We always talked about getting married didn't we?"

Calleigh nodded. "I was going to propose on the 30th."

"Why the 30th?" but as soon as the words left her mouth she already knew the answer. "Our anniversary."

Tim nodded. "Calleigh I want you to know that I love you. And that your going to be ok."

"I don't feel like I will be."

"You will be. So will Eric, and Horatio, and Alexx. Your all going to be ok. Just because i'm not here physically doesn't mean i'm still not around. I'm here in pitcures...and memories...and not to mention i'm still the owner of the trace lab no matter what Blemontes says." said Tim making Calleigh laugh lightly.

Calleigh sighed and looked him in the eye. Those chocolate eyes she could get lost in for hours. "Did it hurt?"

Tim sighed. "A little." started Tim. "But I thought of you...and suddenly it didn't hurt anymore."

Calleigh didn't take her eyes off him for a minute. "I love you."

"I love you to. I always have and always will."

Calleigh smiled and Tim kissed her lightly. "I love you Calleigh."

"I know you do. I love you to." Tim smilled and let Calleigh hug him one last time.

"I have to go."

Calleigh sighed and nodded.

"Bye Calleigh."

"Bye."

---PRESENT---

Calleigh stirred and then sat back up in bed, waking from her dream. Calleigh was suprised to find tears streaming down her face. She finally was able to say bye to him. Maybe that was what she needed the entire time. Calleigh wiped away and looked down at her right hand. She had put it there not to cause specualtion and because she didn't really want to get anymore special treatment from fellow coworkers. Calleigh sighed and slowly took off the ring, reached over and grabbed the box from the nightstand. "Goodbye Tim." said Calleigh as she closed the box.

THE END...Alright let me know what you think. Come on you know you want to. The whole thing about Horatio saying you hang in there. That was my own frustration. He says it all the time. And the scene with him and Calleigh in Lost Son may ha ve been sad. But that phrase get's on my nerves. lol.


End file.
